Nightmares

A. Skyscraper Running Nightmare –

In this nightmare I would jump from rooftop to rooftop of skyscrapers that fell away, quickly. I fell to my death every time. In this nightmare there was extreme psychological pain that grew in pain until the headache was difficult to see through and weighed me down, preventing me from jumping. I would wake with the headache and it would linger. The fear of dying, the fear of failing, and the anguish of the environment that made my mind feel pulled in opposite directions made me cry out when I would wake up.

B. False Heaven Nightmare –

In this nightmare I sat alone. The landscape was a flat, floating, grey slab. It had a single backdrop as wide and as narrow as the floor. I could have walked the width of it in 30 paces and the length in 10 paces. I would sit alone at the edge so my small legs could dangle off the ledge. And, I would stare into the vacant gray expanse, content.

I ran harder in the dream, determined to win. He spoke, “Hi.” And, I was genuinely surprised. He talked for a while, having had paused the game. I told him to watch and not to help me. And, I had to give him permission to restart the game.

Eventually, I memorized the first part of the game, but I couldn’t past the second part. I asked God to pause the game so I could sit down. I sat and God spoke, “How’s it going?” I replied, winded from running, “I can’t get past the second part. Will you help me? You know how to play this game. You’re God, you know everything.” He said, with a hint of sadness, but no disappointment, “Alas, I can and will help you, but I only want to help you out of the dream. I don’t want to help you win, because then you’d stay in the game. So you’re not allowed to ask me to help you play and win, but when you’re tired enough and want to stop playing the game, then I will help you. What do you think will happen if you think differently and use the landscape; are there walls here?” I replied to Him, “I thought you said you weren’t going to help me?” He said, playfully, “Am I helping?” So, when I had caught my breath, I told him he could start the game again. This time, I made it farther by bouncing off walls that weren’t there.

Suddenly, everything changed. The skyscrapers seemed to break and disappear. And I heard a new voice, an angry voice. He wanted to know how I thought of that trick. He said he had defeated me, and he knew because his program was responsive to my attempts and he knew that I would never get to the second part. God said, “He’s searching for me. Don’t tell him you know me or he’ll torture you. Take credit by saying ‘I’m smart.'” So, that’s what I said and the mean voice offered to change the game for me, make to easier. I asked to rest. He mocked me with his laughter, but rearranged the game to look like a garden. I was seated on the edge of it in the grass, and the game was for me not to move.

Somehow, like breaking from a trance, I wondered if there was something else. I looked around me, but still, there was no one, just an empty, gray slab.

Suddenly, there was someone there, sitting with his back against the backdrop. He was a mountainous fat man. He leaned down and spoke to me. I felt ‘in trouble’ for having done something to cause him to notice me. He asked me what I wanted. I didn’t want anything, but he pressed until I answered. I thought about it. My older brother always got Lego’s for his birthday so I wanted my own Lego’s. I asked for Lego’s. The fat man through his head back and mocked me. Laughing, he said, “You could have asked for gold, jewels, riches, many years to your life.” I was startled by his words because the thought of asking for gold or money hadn’t entered my mind. So, with a disappointed sigh he through some Lego’s at me. It was an incomplete set with no instruction manual. I cried. I had really thought I was going to get my first Lego set. I heard a kind, gentile voice that I recognized from my encounter with the spirit at church. He said, “Try asking him for the rest of the set.” So, I took my handful of loss Lego’s and got his attention. He had been distracted by three attendants in robes telling him jokes. When I informed him that the set was incomplete and asked if I could get the rest of it, even if I had to work for it, he was enraged. He scolded me and scolded me, he accused me of being ‘ungrateful.’ I wept and vowed to do everything I could to never get his attention, again. I also went to the gentile voice. Whispering, I asked if I was bad. He thanked me for speaking to him, and he said he was there just to pay attention to me. I wanted to talk to him more, but I was still sad. He said I could come to him when I felt sad and he would make me feel better because he knows how to make kindness like this mean guy can make disappointment; he can make everyone around him feel like he does. I asked him to tell me more about kindness and asked if he would keep talking until I felt better.

Eventually, I got tired of sitting in the grass. God talked a lot while I sat. I found it difficult to pay attention because he wasn’t taking breaths between words. I asked him why he was talking like that, and he answered me saying it was because I was dying and his voice is nourishment. And, as long as he speaks, and I listen, I can stay alive. I wanted to reply, but it felt like the air was growing thin. It started to hurt, sitting there, not allowed to stand. He asked, “Are you not allowed to stand? What would happen if you stood and walked a bit, just to stretch your legs.” So, I stood. The mean voice came back around, whining that I was breaking the rules and told me not to tell anyone the rules were breakable. “So, you’re not a god,” I said, suddenly feeling strong. “You don’t actually have power.” God whispered to me that he did have power while the mean voice was raging about how much power he had to build games that defeat everyone. “Ok,” I said, “But you don’t actually have power over me. (we had learned about Adam and Eve in church and the words ‘free will’) So, you’re not my god. You didn’t make me. I only respect power and yours is limited. So, I’m going to leave because I have heard the voice of my creator and I’m going to go with him.” God informed me that I could not get rescued, yet, because I was not asking for rescue but thinking I had won the game via God. And, I would have to play whatever game the mean voice had for me until I truly wanted rescue. This was very disappointing, especially since I felt strong. That meant I was going to be able to withstand the game longer. God said, “Since I don’t want to take any of your strength away, let’s tell him to make it harder, that way you’ll get tired fast.”

Arriving at the grey slab, again, angered me. I cried out to the Spirit of Truth (a phrase I heard at church) saying, “I thought you were going to get me out of here!” I noticed I had a slice of dry toast in my hand. “Get me out of here, I never want to show up here, again!” The gentile God reminded me of the game I was playing in the other dream. He informed that he was from outside the game. He asked me to assess the ‘where’ of the grey slab in the grey space. I thought, but I didn’t understand and he brought the idea of heaven to mind. And, he brought my mind around to learning about falsehood. And, he ask if I thought this place was true. And, thinking about being spoken to by a voice from outside that grey space, I thought, it couldn’t be the only option. He said he wanted to bring me to His house, like this space was a house. But, he wanted me to know that when he said ‘house’ he is speaking about a very big and wonderful place. I said I thought I would like to go there because when thinking about heaven, if it was better than this grey place, I imagined sunshine. I wanted to feel the heat and breathe the fresh air of summer. He asked if I had my toast he had told the fat man to give me. And, I did. He said he wanted to give me a taste of His place, so I could want it. Eventually, I would have to choose what I wanted. So, he told me, “This is butter.” And, I looked at the toast, and there was butter on it. I took a bite and it was delightful.

I was back in the skyscraper game, but this time it was completely impossible. Yet, I failed completely at being afraid. Until, the pain threatened me: it was in the air, like a foreboding. And, I started to cry out in secret to God, “I can’t, truly I can’t. What do I do? I’m not weary. I’m not afraid. How do I cry out to you? Please, don’t let it get bad, again. Please, don’t let me get weary, again. Tell me how to cry out to you.” (I know that what I was feeling was weariness. College taught me that word. I don’t remember how I spoke as a child.)

The next time I showed up at the grey slab there was jam on my toast. I ate of it. In rejoicing and hope, I shouted to God. Laughing with joy, I shouted with my whole heart, “Jam! I want jam!” I felt devoted to true Heaven. Filled with excitement, I knew what I would choose.

It looked like a bright and colorful sky opened up over the grey slab I stood upon. And, it was like that entire sky smiled at me. He told me that I needed to help the other part of my mind that was stuck running in the nightmare with skyscrapers. He told me I had the tool. And in my hand I saw a hammer. He asked me if I knew what a tool was and I said, “Yes, my Dad uses them.” He said I needed to get this tool to the other part of my mind in another dream. He informed me that both parts could learn while my mind is awake. So, I had to get the tool to my other dream while I was awake. I was scared. He said he would tell me the secret but I had listen really hard so I would remember when I woke up. So, I crouched down in the ready position and held tightly to the hammer. God put his hands around the hammer, too, to strengthen the thought. And, he said, “Tell the runner this word: ‘Trust Him.’

The runner had heard the word as a command. God said, “I can work with that.” And then, he said, “Now, I want you to remember what it felt like to grow weary, before. Remember as though it’s happening now. I will take your past weariness and drape it over you, so that he sees what you were like, but when you cry out to me, now, you won’t be hurting. Ready? It’s a game of pretend, but for serious.” I crouched down and was ready. I watched a memory of myself grow weary. God said, “Sit down.” I didn’t. “Remember we’re playing pretend,” he said “you have to play along. Are you ready to leave here so that you never come back?” I answered,”Yes?” And, he said, “Do you want me to make you feel weary, actually, so that you don’t have to pretend?” I answered,”No.” He continued,”Ok, so do what I say when I tell you, do not delay.” And, I replied,”Ok.” And then, he commanded me to sit. And, I sat. He commanded me,”Tell him how tired you are. Remember how tired you were?” I spoke to the mean voice, “I am dizzy, I can’t breathe. It hurts. I don’t want to do this anymore.” God commanded me, “Now, in your heart, ask me to rescue you.” I felt pride in my heart feel offended. But, I really wanted out this time. And, really didn’t ever want to come back. He said, “Say the words ‘rescue me’ three times and I will get you out. Actually, I have you already.” And, I was informed of the other dreamer who chose Heaven and I was encouraged. So, I said the words, ‘rescue me’ three times.

I woke up in my bed.

Desperate to leave that grey slab, I started trying to jump to Heaven. I tried all kinds of ways of jumping. I always fell back down. Out of breath, I laid down and fell asleep. I opened my eyes, to see that I was floating. I could see the fat man beneath me. And, holding me was a giant hand, glowing with golden light. I was afraid: I thought I might fall through the hand or the fat man would reach up and grab me so that I wouldn’t be able to really get to Heaven. God’s hand stopped raising. He said he didn’t need to go any farther, because he had me, but he didn’t want me to be afraid. So, we would stay like until I wasn’t afraid. Eventually, I started dancing. I looked over his palm and there were stars. I was afraid of the fat man getting me, again. So, God said he wanted to show me a picture. He told me to lay down like I was asleep and close my eyes, but hold on to his palm so I knew where I was (in his hand and not in the grey space.) I did.

He showed me a picture of me lying down on the floor of the grey space: I said, ‘I’m done.’ then God said to me, ‘Ok, put this on’ and around my neck hung a wooden ‘For sale’ sign and I talked with God. He said, ‘He (the fat mat) only wants to sell things he thinks are defeated. So, say these words to him, so he’ll want to sell you.’ I said what he told me to, ‘I am worthless, you are better off getting whatever gold you can for me.’ And the fat man agreed to the sale. While examining his coin, he noticed to whom I was walking toward. And, he was angry. He tried to back out of the sale. God, lifted me into the clouds in the sky above the grey slab and told me to wait. I hid. The fat man brought a record and argued to keep me. God, spoke to him so that I couldn’t hear and the fat man turned away, shouting to his attendants to be entertained.

I opened my eyes in his glowing hand, and he said he showed me this to help me know that I was going to be kept in Heaven. And, so that I would never be afraid when I got there. But, I was startled by the image of the fat man trying to keep me, and I was more afraid than before. God said, “Remember how hard it was for you to jump, trying to get to me?” I did. He continued, “And you’re not even made of the same stuff, you can jump. Now, think about the picture and look at his feet. How heavy do you think his feet are?” And, I saw that he didn’t lift them when walking but instead they slid. “He could never get you down from Heaven because he can’t jump high enough” And, every little bit fear of left me. And, he raised me up in a instant to the clouds outside the gate of Heaven. He had me jump out of his palm onto the invisible floor. And, I walked through the clouds. The light grew brighter and I grew more joyful and strong. I could have run, but I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to run because He was content with my pace. When I could just see the gates, he said it was time to leave, but it was a promise that I would come back. And he said, “The next time I bring you here, you will enter the gates. And, you will never leave.”