Scripture
“The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” NIV
Prayer
God, How Do I Abide in Your Love?
Dwelling in love as a place
Will a feeling rise
Waiting
Am I to wait
Are you commanding me to feel loved
In the way you command me to trust in you
God, I met you when I was four. I rejected you even though you flooded me with love and raised my spirit up to life because I thought your love was temporary. How can I go back? You said I can always call on you and you’ll be there, but how do I ask you to love me, still? How do I look at our relationship with joy?
God, you smiled on me. And now I’m grieving because I left. Do you love me that much, still? I’m embarrassed for leaving. I’m intimidated by your love you showed me, it was so much. It changed me. It will change me, again, won’t it?
I’m too scared, simply, to live a life based on the memory relived with fondness, nostalgic about an idea of being loved that’s so steeped in disappointment that I have only have a faint hope in the possibility of your love for other people. My body would continue, so long as I continued to accepted food. But my eyes won’t want to open, weighted down by deep fatigue.
Instead, let your love for me shape my reality.
scripture
“Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
thoughts
I am so excited.
You know what’s amazing, God is redeeming my life.
Have you ever looked back on something you wrote pears pervious and felt embarrassed by the words? Well, I dreadfully wondered into my blogs’ previous posts, and I found one from May 31, 2020. Without God having changed my life, I may have read that post differently, but now I get to praise him. I am so excited about my future because I realize that I can’t stand in the way of his goodness. Even if I tried to stand in his way to prevent him helping me, I’d just be hit in the face with goodness, and then I’d be made radiant by its light.
I read this scripture today.
Psalm 23:6 “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
While I have heard CeCe Winans explain this scripture framed by her words, “I can’t even dodge the goodness of the Lord,” I have questioned the validity of this interpretation. Now, I know it’s true. Because looking back, I was not helping God help me. Actually, I was actively doing all I could muster to hinder him helping me because I didn’t want to be deceived, and I didn’t know how to trust God; it seemed like nobody else had an imaginary friend quite like mine. And while I enjoyed being prompted to pray to for people, at a distance, finding out through the grape vine of the improvements to their health, I didn’t want my faith tested because I wasn’t sure if my imaginary friend was, really, God.
In May 2020, when I wrote that post, I didn’t believe in miracles without medical professionals involved. By the end of October 2020 I was miraculously healed of an incurable condition.
What I’m highlighting today, is this: God didn’t wait for me believe in miracles.
I went with God because I like him. He makes me feel good.
Now, I know he doesn’t need my help, to help me. He will choose me. He has chosen me because, against my resistance and before I trusted him, he gave to me. Now, I know he’s not going to let me go.
My trust in him is as small as a mustard seed, but I am not afraid because He doesn’t need my help.
Making Sangria 