Twelve Loaves of Bread

Photo by Maria Orlova on

So, I had a dream that I was in a bread store. I will have to add the whole dream, later, when I find where I wrote it down. But, basically people were getting stoping carts of bread. I asked the Lord why they needed so much bread. And, it was clear that the bread had a spiritual meaning. Also, the people were over joyed, saying to each other how crazy it was that they were being given given as many loaves of bread as could fit into a single buggy.

Ok, so then I’m reading in my devotional by The Chosen. And, I learn that in the tabernacle of the Lord the priests set out twelve loaves of bread. It was called the “bread of the Presence” (Exodus 25:30) and it symbolized the constant presence of the Lord with the nation of Israel.

So, now, I get it. Each person had twelve loaves in their buggies because they were receiving the presence of the Lord.

So, I’m thinking that how I receive these twelves of bread that are the presence of God is through asking for things that require his presence and/or power to be added to me life:

  1. I want spring days that feel embedded in freedom like the one who owns the land without trouble waiting or hunting for me, spring days in green pastures.
  2. I want to feel like I can go anywhere, on a whim, spontaneously because my way is clear and secure, and the place I’ll stay is available and ready for me.
  3. I want an outfit that suits me for every hour, enough that I could change five times a day and not wear the same outfit twice in a season with causal wear that makes me look expensive in my jammies.
  4. I want get-away homes and places where quiet, peace, and hope leads to joy.
  5. I want a destination for a home: the place my people, the joyfully excited to be alive people, go once a week, maybe twice, maybe daily to drink, to eat, to sing, to talk, and to worship.
  6. I want jokes and laughter, play and performances in my life. I want music and poetry. I want to hear the winds off the Hebrides provide the melody to the instrumental.
  7. I want to see God’s power: I want to heal mightily, to see my cup replenish before my eyes. I think, it’s damn time heaven drops a little extra into the normal.
  8. I want to be sustained in the strength of the Lord, to forget how to be anxious, concerned, or discouraged. Amen!
  9. I want my body to be of heaven quality, brought into alignment with my heavenly body in the way I look, and with heaven-strength, health, endurance, and agelessness.
  10. I want to fall in love with the love of my life: a kingdom man who teaches me the meaning of strength of character, but also beauty, gentleness, playfulness, and presence; a breath of fresh air, resilient, reliant man on the love of his Heavenly Father for him.
  11. I want each and every place I walk to enter into peace; when I’m there peace reins in the atmosphere, peace reins in the natural and in the spiritual. And when I return, peace returns and joy spreads like a contagion.
  12. I want my creative expressing to be unencumbered, to be able to have an idea and see it accomplished. And, unencumbered freedom of praise in my art.

Hallelujah! Yes and Amen, says the Lord.

Give me that bread!

2 Samuel 24: 13-19, 25

Being inspired by this scripture, today, I have a prayer. God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, who brings forth the fruit of the vine, have mercy. Let enough be enough, as it was then. The second wave of this pandemic is blazing like a wild fire. Please, cease this. On the authority of Jesus name, I call for the end of the COVID-19 virus. Let it blow away like ash in the wind, dead and done, amen.

13 Gad [God’s prophet to the king] came to deliver the message: “Do you want three years of famine in the land, or three months of running from your enemies while they chase you down, or three days of an epidemic on the country? Think it over and make up your mind. What shall I tell the one who sent me?”

14 David [King of Israel] told Gad, “They’re all terrible! But I’d rather be punished by God, whose mercy is great, than fall into human hands.”

15-16 So God let loose an epidemic from morning until suppertime. From Dan to Beersheba seventy thousand people died. But when the angel reached out over Jerusalem to destroy it, God felt the pain of the terror and told the angel who was spreading death among the people, “Enough’s enough! Pull back!”

The angel of God had just reached the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite. David looked up and saw the angel hovering between earth and sky, sword drawn and about to strike Jerusalem. David and the elders bowed in prayer and covered themselves with rough burlap.

17 When David saw the angel about to destroy the people, he prayed, “Please! I’m the one who sinned; I, the shepherd, did the wrong. But these sheep, what did they do wrong? Punish me and my family, not them.”

18-19 That same day Gad came to David and said, “Go and build an altar on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite.” David did what Gad told him”

After King David did what was asked the scripture says, “God was moved by the prayers and that was the end of the disaster.”

2 Lions

Age 25

In this dream there are three version of me at different ages: a present, past, and future me. There is a six-years-old who colors with markers. There is a present tense self, who is the protagonist of the dream. There is, also, a mom-self who tells the other two what to do.

The setting begins with the mom-self leading us to a patch of grass that was surrounded by low hedges. In the middle of this patch of grass was a giant vintage stroller. Mom-self had me get it the stroller. My blanket from high school was there to keep me warm. As I climbed inside and got under the blanket she said worriedly, “Now, if you see any lions let me know. There are a lot lions in this woods and I know what to do.” She had a bow on her back. And, then she sat down on the ground with the six-year-old, holding her in her lap and telling her how to color. The six-year-old was silently ignoring her instruction.

Lying down I was looking at Orion in the sky, as I did every possible morning growing up. Suddenly, a lioness jumped on my stomach. I held up my right arm for protection. The lioness held my arm in her teeth. She was warning against something and was very gentile. The mom-self came over and and shooed the lioness away. The lioness snarled at the mom-self before leaving. I wasn’t sure it was good that the lioness was gone.

Then, a male lion came and nuzzled my right hand. I felt safe. I felt at home. And, with the sunrise, he left.

The lioness returned, standing on my stomach. She snarled fiercely at something over my head. I feel commanded not to watch, but the lioness was going to kill the mom-self. And, I was not going to miss her. I saw her jump over me and heard the brutal screams of the mom-self dying. I felt more and more free. Eventually, I was allowed to turn and look. The lioness was liking up the marrow from her ribcage, all that was left.

Then, I lied back down, feeling free. The lioness came over and I asked her if the male lion was going to return. She promised he would, and I needed to know that he would return every night, but always be gone during the day. And, I needed faith.

I waited and eventually he returned, but this time he was younger. He saying until morning. Then, again, he left. I asked if he was, really, going to come back. He promised he would.

I checked in with the six-year-old self to see how she felt about the mom-self dying. She also felt free and said the mom-self had no idea how to color. She and I walked away from the little patch of grass.

2 Whales

Age 25

The dream began at a gas station in my home town of Bend, Oregon at the base of the Pilot Butte. I filled up the tank and drove north. In my dream there was an inaccuracy, however. On the right side of the road was an immense lake. There is not a lake there in actuality. I drove to a home at a cul-de-sac. Once inside the doorbell rang. Joyfully, I welcomed my new friends. They were two whales. One was male and one was female. The male whale went inside to meet up with the other friends that were already inside. The female asked me to step outside onto the porch. I stepped out and she told me this house was not my home and I needed to not settle in, but be ready to go when called. Then we went inside, together. In the back room my friend was playing an acoustic guitar for everyone. They were chatting loudly. Then we went into the next room where my friends were playing video games. The male whale was floating behind them, watching attentively and encouraging them. As soon as he saw me, the male whale said, hurriedly, ‘Let’s go, now.’

As he passed by me, he transformed into an old man with long white dreadlocks. On the dreads where a variety of beads and one over his right ear was a smooth silver cross. I felt so much relief to see it, and I said, ‘I knew it was you!’

He rushed us out of the house faster and we jumped in the car. Driving away into the evening, we drove back the way I came, driving south along the road below Pilot Butte. There was road kill falling from the sky. The animals were mostly woodland and exotic animals, but also cats and dogs. I felt sad about them all dying, but looking more closely I saw that they were all machines. The male whale, driving the car while I looked at the animals, said they were idols in my life and I wasn’t going to miss them, but I needed to be dedicated to leaving.

A friend came upon the lake, walking on the water, and begged me to come back. The male whale said it wasn’t my friend, but a lying spirit. My friend was safe at the house, and this spirit was making me feel like my friends were in trouble without me and it was painful. I turned away from that friend apparition and it disappeared. Then on the right, high atop the butte, was a massive mechanical lion. He was moaning as though in pain, begging me to stay and take care of him. The male whale said this is what afflicted me and told me not to talk to it or try and battle it, but just drive away and live a new life with the whales. So, we kept driving into the daylight.

A Vision Called “November”

Age 23

God got my attention during a Sunday service telling me he wanted to give me a vision, but it was too long for a regular service. If I wanted the vision, I needed to to accept an invitation from my new friends. He asked if I wanted the vision. And, I did. He asked if I would agree to go with my new friends. I agreed.

Shortly after that my new friends invited me a prophetic reading at a Baptist Church. I went with them.

Taking my seat at the prophetic sermon I felt my mind readying to go on a vision quest. I settled into my seat, trying to make sure I was comfortable. I kept opening my eyes while the people sang songs of worship around me, insecure about being weird.

The vision began. I was under an ocean of darkness, lying on my back. On top of me was placed a sheet of glass. It was for me to stay still. I was told that I would not be allowed to get up until I was rested. I learned to stop pouting and I submitted to my fate of staying flat on my back. Eventually, I felt uncomfortable, and heavy, and sad, and anxious, and weary. Out of weariness I cried to Jesus of Nazareth saying, “I don’t believe in you, but if you have any power, can you rescue me?” I asked him to come down to get me, but he said he needed to pull me out of darkness not bring himself into darkness.

So, eventually, I was lifted up. Turning to look down I saw the darkness far below transform into water that was spiraling, but it calmed. I was brought up into the atmosphere and placed on a table for healing. I fell halfway through the table because I didn’t trust Jesus. He had angels touch every bit of me that was going to be healed, including all five fingers on each hand.

I was taken high above the table to see how many angels it took to heal me and they filled the atmosphere. He asked if I was ready for them to sing. The angels placed hands on the shoulders of the angel in front of him or her. When I was ready, they sang and little by little I was healed. Jesus held my head.

Eventually, it was time to go with the Holy Spirit. She came in golden light. I was lifted out of the atmosphere, into the blackness of the night sky.

My body seemed to be separated from myself. Seeing the galaxy far to my left, the Holy Spirit showed up in a body and lied on her belly. She was waiting for something. She told me she waiting for me to give up my pride. When I was ready to let go of pride, she shoved her hand into my chest and pulled out my heart. It was crusted, dark gray rock of different textures. She turned it over in her fingers, examining it for signs of life. She found a spot still aglow and from the heart I heard my longing to do right by God and the sound of my attempts at worship. She squeezed the spot until it died. And, she turned the heart in her fingers again, searching. She found another spot dimly lit and I heard the sound of me trying to work hard to do right by God. And, she squeezed the heart again. She did this, over and over, until the entire heart was dead rock. She explained that my attempts were not out of freedom or trust or joy and to get those things I would ned a new heart. But, she said it wasn’t right for her to take my heart away until it was dead because otherwise I would cling to the heart and be hurt. She brought to my mind the idea of a drowning person in panic and said the moment that relates is the pain of hopeless that is made worse by the sight of the rescuer so that panic drowns them both. She said, first we need calm, rest, and hope. Then, with a little bit a faith, she would remove the heart and upgrade my life experience.

So, when my heart was all dead she asked if she could upgrade me. I gave her permission. She took a bite out of the dead rock-heart. It was disgusting. She stopped eating and asked if I wanted a bite. I did not. She said, someone has to eat it. If she doesn’t eat it, I’ll have to, or would I give it to someone else to consume. She reminded that God is a consuming fire, burning hotter than every sun in all the universe combined. She said my heart was smaller that a spec of dust to God. And, assured me that the only thing that happens when God eats it, is that it turns to carbon. But, to a human it’s highly toxic. And, she asked if she could keep eating it. I gave her permission, but didn’t want to watch. A feeling of thankfulness came into me like a gentile breeze. It was the beginning of not being numb anymore.

With the old rock-heart gone, I felt surprised to not feel dead. The Holy Spirit said she was not giving another human heart because that one would have all the same struggles and lead to my death, again. Instead she would give me herself. And, the body she had filled with golden light. She stood up the body that was going to be mine and commanded my soul to enter. She then told me to dance, singing along with a pop song saying, ‘when I move you move, just like that. When I move you move, just like that.’ I told her was inappropriate. She laughed.

I asked who I was. And, she said, as the righteous and true guide, she was emulating me because she knows me enough to know what I’m like, this way I’ll know where I’m going, and soon I live out my true identity, which is righteousness. She taught to me dance freely and to pray.

When it was time to go back, she brought my mind down slowly. Like reverse ascension out of deep water, my mind needed to be brought gently back into forward consciousness. Eventually, I opened my eyes to the preacher speaking a word over my life, that I would reach those he couldn’t and in a hidden kind of way. Whatever, it’s just time I write this stuff down. It’s taking up space in my mental hard drive.

The reason I call this vision November is because after I told my buddy the entire vision and a month passed, I ran into him. He asked if I’d ‘lived through November.’ I didn’t understand. He’d thought the vision was going to be completed within the month after it had been received. I sighed, sadly, feeling that this vision was going to be years in the making. It’s been 9 years, now. I think I’m reaching the end. And, so I will dance.

“Go to college”

Age 17

I was standing by my locker in the ladies locker room at school. I heard an audible voice say, “Go to college,” very loudly. It was loud enough to startle me. In that moment I realized I had not being intending to go to college. My plan was to move to California and live near my cousins. I did not want to go to college, but I felt the heavy hand insist upon me. So, I went to college.